Christmas Shopping

Welp. Christmas is sorted for this year. I haven't actually bought any gifts yet, but I know what everyone is getting.

You should know that this is very unusual. Thing One, in particular… the kid never wants anything. Not just gifts… you truly do not want to know how much allowance money I owe him. I'm usually able to find a couple of things, but the grandparents usually start begging for ideas around now… though, I think they've given up now and just give him money. So he can add it to that massive hoard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining… I know he's an incredible kid, and the fact that he seems so happy with what he has is amazing. But I want to give him things.

Well. This year, he actually asked for something. One big ticket item. And for once I have his birthday sorted, too. That one, the idea came from your family. I'm always more than happy to support his explorations into making music. I'll have to figure out how to work it all into the budget, but that's ok. I'll figure it out. I love working out exactly what to get them. I'm much more into giving than receiving, in general.

Which I guess is a good thing, since I learned long before I even met you that if I want to have anything to open on Christmas morning, I have to put it under the tree myself.

Oh, I get to hear about things I almost got. Just yesterday: “I almost got you a beer advent calendar.” 🤷‍♂️ I don't even understand what her point is. Every year for two decades: “I'll get you day-after Valentine's Day sale candy for your birthday.” Only she never does… which on balance is probably a good thing. I don't need more candy in my life, lol.

I don't like to complain about my current situation here… I dunno, it doesn't feel quite right somehow. But it's on my mind this morning. It's really not the lack of gifts, that's truly a small thing that doesn't matter very much to me at all. But it's emblematic of a larger problem, which I've raised multiple times over more than a decade but not seen even an inch of movement for, which is that she simply does not think of me. Or the kids, for that matter.

Big things, little things… we just aren't on her mind.

She makes these incredible, beautiful cakes for her friends and coworkers, or to enter into competitions. She buys cakes at the store for the kids. I don't get a cake. I don't think I've ever gotten a cake.

I guess my point is, I hope you never feel guilty about the way you draw my attention. Even before we met, the only thing keeping my family together was momentum. And the fact that it never even occurred to me that I might deserve more. All you've done is love me. Me. Not only how I make you feel (though I suspect you love that, too). And there isn't ever anything wrong with loving a person.

And, boy… I know you're a thoughtful gift giver… The gifts themselves are truly unimportant to me, but I have to admit… I've daydreamed about just the idea of being thought of. Of you, thinking of me… thinking of how to make me happy (even though just your presence is the only present I will ever need)… Just the thought that I might be on your mind at all is so ridiculously appealing to me…

sigh

This post did not go where I meant for it to, at all. But now it's out. Maybe that's good. Maybe I've been holding it in for far too long. 🤷‍♂️

I hope you have a most beautiful day, my love… my incredible, beautiful lady. I love you.